Life is like a camera and when something doesn’t work out, take another shot. Taking another shot could mean grounding yourself. Or being more intentional. It is very subjective.

I was talking to God. I do. Over the years I have developed a habit of talking to him, and sometimes it sounded a lot like ‘you know what, that will be kind of unfair’ or ‘in the future could you please..’ rather than having to address the huge stuff really eating me up. Most Christians tend to be more thankful, (as we should) but then again tend to be vague in the name of fear and respect for God. But why should we fear him? It’s a personal relationship. Why should you be afraid of someone who is more of a friend?

Well of course I was grateful for so much. I mean I have had the cleanest health record I’ve had all my life. The last time I was this healthy was that time before I joined high school. You guys will agree with me that there are things we don’t tell God. In as much as we are honest with ourselves. There are things we tend to find shameful or indifferent. Imagine praying about that person who rides on your last nerve. Well, religion teaches us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. In the 21st century, I find that impractical. But in my personal relationship with God, I’ve learned to build my tolerance. Not necessarily love that person ( I’d pretend) but tolerate. Works either way because love is a strong word. But I digress.

So this particular midnight found me staring at the sky. I cannot explain what kind of beauty that was. The glow, the silence the wade sky, the stillness, everything. The world was quiet for a moment. I was delighted. I know peace is relative, but at that moment the world stopped and I felt peace. Everything was in perfect harmony. I could relieve all of my heart’s burdens in this view. All my chaos, in just right proportions. And if the universe could be this forthright with me, I guess I could let down my guard. I could let down my wall a bit.

The fact that All I wanted to shout and scream was ‘why the fuck was this happening !’ Only he knows the answer sometimes. Answers that we are sometimes better off without. I imagine sometimes he says ‘ no Dorothy if I give you that contract right now you will not have learned properly the value of research and economics that will probably land you your next big gig.’

Me: What the fuck is happening! I don’t even know what I am doing. This is so much confusion.

Him: Oh! You need to sit down because gonn’ be here a long time. 
Me : Lord I...
Him: You gonn’ have to wait darling (Yes he calls me darling honey) Not because you aren’t good enough. But because no adult really knows what they are doing. I need you to wait, in order to learn in the process. Maybe I need you to learn patience. I need you to learn trust. I need you to learn service. Maybe you are made a wrong friend for the right reason . I need you to to trust me on this . I am a giver, but with giving you need to do all this things. 

Me: Playing numb by Jacob banks (sigh)         

    Maybe it’s the coming of the age of 
    liquor.
    Maybe it’s November 
    That’s got me thinking of forever 
    Maybe it’s the fall from grace 
    I really wanna feel 
    Maybe it’s the dealer 
    Or the lime in my tequila 
    Maybe it’s the retrograde 
    Or the reefer
    Maybe it’s J Dilla 
    Maybe it’s the aftertaste.

The world has bigger problems on its own. It’s true. I mean global warming is a bitch and cities like New York are currently taking precautions for the rising sea levels. Trying to put infrastructure along the water bodies to reduce tidal impact. But I digress. Most people will always try and invalidate your feelings for bigger problems. Try and shrink you to fit into their boxes. To make you feel like you can never be fucked up as they are. Don’t shrink yourself to fit into anyone’s box. Won’t invalidate your feelings because as much as they don’t matter to them they should matter to you. I made peace with the fact that I am not special and my problems are not unique to this world. And I know this sounds contradictory but hear me out. My peace comes from knowing a lot of people are going through the same thing. I am not the first person in the world to experience some things. So I guess I’ve talked about the two scenarios. Thanks for your read and have a lovely week ahead.