One of the things I have struggled with all my life as far as I can remember is being bipolar. This is a mental disorder where one experiences extreme high and lows. Episodes of mania (extremely happy moods) and depression episodes. Ironically I didn’t know what it was for the longest time, in case you are wondering how I discovered I was bipolar I simply didn’t. I dismissed it as anxiety. Wrong diagnosis, I know.

I remember feeling very sad. When I didn’t need to be sad, actually. Just this extreme sadness that makes it hard to be loved. I could even be doing what I love most but this sadness wouldn’t let me be! One second I’m perfectly fine, the next it’s like a volcano is erupting inside of me, leaving me miserable. I remember days when it felt like I was screaming for help while in a sound proof glass and help was on the other side. I remember feeling like I’m falling in a bottomless pit. I remember feeling trapped,unable and unstable. I remember crying silently behind closed doors. Feeling scared. It was like fighting a war inside my head every single day! If that’s wasn’t exhausting I don’t know what was. This feeling of helplessness and low esteem. Constant fear of abandonment. Feeling misunderstood. Being grumpy. One moment I want straight hair, the next I want dreadlocks then I don’t want hair at all you feel me. Feeling hopeless for long periods, sometimes even withdrawing from friends and family. Losing appetite! Or extremely good appetite.

And then there was this other side of me! Gosh! Super psyched up about life, happy, very talkative, usually the life of the party. My brother is very talkative and the reason is, he has a campaigner personality. He talks alot when he is nervous. That’s one of the reasons I never knew I was bipolar. I thought our nervousness-coping mechanisms were the same. I would talk very fast and I have very fast thoughts, impulsive behaviour and getting distracted easily. Having overconfidence in my abilities. It’s a mood disorder.

How did I know I was bipolar?One day am at home. I am watching this series and there’s this character who I thought had an anxiety disorder and it made him aggressive and impulsive. I was compelled to think I understood what he was going through. I thought I needed to go and talk to someone who knew about this and I did. I told her all I was going through.I told her everything and she came to a conclusion it was never anxiety, it was a mood disorder . She told me many people have it and that it wasn’t a rare diagnosis. And it all made sense.

One of the bravest things I did was continuing my life when it felt hard to. The first step is , acknowledging that you have this problem and work towards improving. Hey be silly. Be fun.Be crazy.Be different. Be you. Because life is too short to be anything but you. Don’t stand in your own way. Did I grow weary? Yes. But we can’t allow room for complacency! This is exactly who we are, and if we can’t leave with that, well, who would ever want to? Believe you’re strong. Show up for yourself goddamn it! Embrace your own uniqueness. We fail. We fall we break. But then, we rise, we heal and we overcome